


wed stay up late into the night talkin man to crab drinking swapping stories waxin about all our shared interests like seaweed and our deep seated fear of melted butter

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-19 01:23:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22536292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk about family and the finer points of garbage collection.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 17
Kudos: 217





	wed stay up late into the night talkin man to crab drinking swapping stories waxin about all our shared interests like seaweed and our deep seated fear of melted butter

DAVE: ok hit me with another  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: UMMMM.  
KARKAT: RUFFIANNIHILATOR.  
DAVE: hahaha oh my god dude  
DAVE: that one is so fuckin ridiculous  
DAVE: shit what am i saying theyre all ridiculous who am i tryna fool here  
DAVE: oh damn  
DAVE: i think im gonna have to go with...  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: COME ON DAVE, YOU GOTTA PICK.  
DAVE: yeah yeah i know chill  
DAVE: uhhhhhh  
DAVE: fake  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yep definitely fake there is no way that was a fuckin job  
KARKAT: NOPE. REAL.  
DAVE: whaaat  
KARKAT: TOTALLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT REAL.  
DAVE: son of a dick  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
DAVE: what the fuck does a ruffiannihilator even do  
KARKAT: I MEAN...  
KARKAT: THEY ANNIHILATE.  
DAVE: annihilate what  
KARKAT: WHATEVER THEY NEED TO.  
DAVE: hahaha oh my god  
KARKAT: AND THEY’RE RUFFIANS.  
KARKAT: ISN’T IT OBVIOUS FROM THE NAME?  
DAVE: bahaha yeah i guess it kinda is  
DAVE: in retrospect it all seems so fuckin clear  
DAVE: how did i ever doubt you karkat  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: GIVE ME ONE.  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: paper clip bender  
KARKAT: HM.  
KARKAT: I’M GONNA GO WITH FAKE.  
DAVE: you sure bro  
KARKAT: I’M SO FUCKING SURE.  
DAVE: damn yep thats right  
DAVE: total bullshit  
DAVE: shit youre good at this  
KARKAT: AM I DAVE? OR IS HUMAN CULTURE JUST GROSSLY UNDER-EVOLVED AND EASY TO INTERPRET?  
DAVE: dude just take the fuckin compliment you had goddamn ruffiannihilators  
DAVE: if you think you got room to judge just point me to it bro i got a lotta unbent paperclips and nowhere to put em  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: ok hit me again  
KARKAT: HM.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: MANGLER  
DAVE: what thats just a regular word  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NOT.  
KARKAT: THERE’S A STRESS ON THE “ANGLER” PART.  
DAVE: oh jesus of course there is  
KARKAT: IT’S A VIOLET BLOOD PROFESSION.  
DAVE: oh no the fuckin fish people  
KARKAT: YEP.  
DAVE: ugh the fish people always throw me way off my game  
DAVE: its like whoever was makin trolls said ok cool you finally think you got shit under control  
DAVE: like this hot worldbuliding garbage is finally making some kinda bizarro dream-sense at the very least  
DAVE: you can tell your grubs from your nooks most of the time like at least enough to get a passing grade and not have to do fucking troll summer school  
DAVE: well too fuckin bad asshole heres a whole nother mess of folks with gills and racist overtones and the worst puns you ever heard in your fucking life  
DAVE: have fun  
KARKAT: TO BE FAIR, ALL OUR JOBS ARE KIND OF PUNS.  
DAVE: yeah true but mangler is a goddamn nightmare  
DAVE: you know what  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: while i could totally see it being real  
DAVE: cuz the fuckin fish people never cease to amaze me with their bullshit  
DAVE: bullshit off the charts by even the bullshittiest troll standards  
DAVE: im gonna say no  
KARKAT: NO?  
DAVE: yeah no  
DAVE: i refuse to dignify mANGLER with a guess in the positive  
DAVE: i dont even care if that shits real or not im gonna make it not real by sheer force of will  
DAVE: i absolutely refuse to believe it exists  
DAVE: if it does ill eat my hat  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah you heard it here first karkat  
DAVE: i know youre thinkin dave you dont have a hat your luscious locks are always blowin freely in the stale laboratory air  
DAVE: well dont you worry  
DAVE: im gonna alchemize one  
KARKAT: HA!  
DAVE: yeah thats right and were not talkin like a little yarmulke or anything im goin for a big ten gallon rhinestone cowboy hat  
DAVE: gonna make that fucker cover it in a1 steak sauce and go to town on it if fucking mANGLER was a real troll job  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: BREAK OUT THE GRIST, BITCH.  
DAVE: oh god dammit  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
DAVE: what the fuck does a mANGLER do anyway  
DAVE: do they just like beat up fish or what  
KARKAT: THEY...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: WAIT...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I... I CAN’T REMEMBER.  
DAVE: haha what  
KARKAT: OH FUCK!  
KARKAT: YOU SAID THAT THING ABOUT BEATING UP FISH, AND NOW THAT’S LITERALLY ALL I CAN PICTURE.  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK...  
DAVE: oh my god karkat what if i actually willed mANGLER into nonexistence  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T FUCKING DO THAT, DAVE.  
DAVE: i donno man that hat imagery was powerful shit  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: NO, I JUST...  
KARKAT: IT FEELS LIKE SUCH BASIC SHIT, BUT I HAVEN’T ACTUALLY *THOUGHT* ABOUT IT IN SO LONG...  
DAVE: hey maybe you did actually make it up  
KARKAT: NO, GOD DAMMIT, IT’S FUCKING REAL!  
DAVE: holy shit i bet you did  
DAVE: i knew it i fucking knew it  
KARKAT: IF I MADE IT UP I’D MAKE UP A FUCKING JOB DESCRIPTION, TOO!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN LAUGH! YOU’RE USED TO SHIT LIKE THIS!  
KARKAT: THIS IS A FUCKING STRIDER CLASSIC.  
DAVE: yeah youre right this is a pretty standard dave move i can own that im not ashamed of my shortcomings  
KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW.  
KARKAT: BUT *MY* MIND ISN’T A FUCKING SIEVE MADE OF CRUDELY LASHED TOGETHER RAP LYRICS AND PIXELS.  
KARKAT: THIS IS KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT.  
DAVE: hey man its fine  
DAVE: its been a whole sweep since you were on alternia  
DAVE: its been a long fuckin time  
DAVE: youre allowed to forget some shit  
KARKAT: AM I??  
DAVE: yeah totally  
DAVE: its been so long dude  
DAVE: and youve been hangin out with me so much  
DAVE: all gettin your mind poisoned by my conflicting earth shit  
KARKAT: *THATS* DEFINITELY TRUE.  
DAVE: thats why we do shit like this  
DAVE: gotta keep our minds sharp  
KARKAT: WE’RE KEEPING OUR MINDS SHARP BY SNUGGLING AND NAMING LONG-DEAD CAREERS?  
DAVE: hell yes we are  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: this is part of our rigorous mental and physical regimen karkat  
KARKAT: ...I DON’T THINK WE’VE MOVED FOR THREE HOURS, DAVE.  
DAVE: three hours twenty actually  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah were doin half hour reps  
DAVE: we got three more after this one before we can take a break for orange slices  
KARKAT: WHAT EXACTLY CONSTITUTES A REP, HERE?  
DAVE: pretty much just lyin still all cuddled up for half an hour  
DAVE: its hard to tell the reps apart  
DAVE: its also pretty hard to tell em from non rep activities  
DAVE: thats why its important to keep track of time  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: lucky for you youre snugglin with a fucking KNIGHT of time  
DAVE: your reps are safe theyre in good hands karkat you dont have to worry about a thing  
KARKAT: THANK GOD.  
DAVE: mm hmm  
DAVE: and you know what  
DAVE: if the regimen fails and we never recover the nuances of those long dead mertrolls punching salmon in the head for a living  
DAVE: i think well make it karkat i think well be ok  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS.  
DAVE: we totally will were survivors man  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok i got another  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yep  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT?  
DAVE: waste management specialist  
KARKAT: HMM...  
KARKAT: FAKE.  
DAVE: ayy the streak is broken  
KARKAT: WHAT? THAT’S FUCKING REAL??  
DAVE: so real  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?  
DAVE: uh its like a fancy word for garbage collector  
KARKAT: WAIT.  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: THAT WAS A JOB??  
DAVE: uh yeah definitely  
DAVE: was it  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: NOT on your planet  
KARKAT: NO, DEFINITELY NOT.  
DAVE: well then what the fuck  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: what do you mean what  
DAVE: you guys had trash right  
KARKAT: SURE.  
DAVE: well then  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: dont give me that coy ass look man whatd you fuckin do with it  
KARKAT: IT GOT EATEN.  
DAVE: what the hell eaten by WHO  
KARKAT: WORMS.  
DAVE: bahaha what  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THERE WERE THESE GIANT WORMS THAT WOULD COME OUT DURING THE DAY AND ROAM THE STREETS.  
KARKAT: AND THEY’D EAT ALL THE TRASH.  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: IT’S WHAT THEY LIVED ON.  
KARKAT: SO YOU COULD JUST... YOU KNOW...  
KARKAT: TOSS YOUR TRASH OUT THE WINDOW.  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: AND THE WORMS WOULD ALWAYS COME AND EAT IT.  
DAVE: they came out every day  
KARKAT: YEAH. THANK GOD TOO, BECAUSE NOBODY WAS OUT DURING THE DAY.  
KARKAT: IF THEY WERE THEY PROBABLY WOULD’VE GOTTEN EATEN.  
KARKAT: THOSE WORMS WERE *NOT* DISCRIMINATE.  
DAVE: haha oh my god  
DAVE: i have heard a LOT of troll bullshit in my time  
DAVE: as im sure you know since it all came from you youre my number one man on the inside  
DAVE: but i think this one might be the trolliest bullshittiest of them all  
DAVE: this one takes the fuckin cake this is unreal  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: but wait hold up  
DAVE: that means at night  
DAVE: like when all the trolls were out merrily dancing in the streets and havin five way mack sessions or whatever  
DAVE: there was just trash everywhere  
KARKAT: WELL, YEAH.  
DAVE: also people were like actively tossin it out their windows  
DAVE: all grub banana peels and used fang floss and old shipping grids balled up in acts of extreme quadrant frustration  
KARKAT: NOBODY ACTUALLY MADE FUCKING SHIPPING GRIDS.  
DAVE: ok thats a total lie but who cares we got bigger fish to fry here  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: youre telling me where you grew up there was literal garbage raining down from the sky  
KARKAT: WELL NOT *RAINING.*  
DAVE: hahaha that fuckin PLACE  
KARKAT: YEAH...  
KARKAT: IT HAD ITS PROBLEMS.  
DAVE: dude you were legally supposed to be murdered as a baby  
KARKAT: IT HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS.  
DAVE: im so glad you can admit that karkat i really am  
KARKAT: OK BUT WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH *YOUR* TRASH, THEN?  
KARKAT: LIKE...  
KARKAT: *PEOPLE* WOULD COME AND TAKE IT?  
DAVE: yeah they would cuz we were fresh outta giant monster worms  
DAVE: also youd put it in a bag and hold onto it til trash day  
DAVE: which was once a week  
DAVE: then and only then did you put it out on the street  
DAVE: thats so you could goddamn move without fear of takin an old plate of spaghetti to the face by the way  
DAVE: novel ass concept i know  
DAVE: THEN somebodyd come and take it away  
KARKAT: DID THEY... EAT IT?  
DAVE: no they didnt fucking eat it  
DAVE: they just took it  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: put it somewhere else  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: yeah like in a big pile somewhere else where you didnt have to look at it  
KARKAT: THAT'S DISGUSTING!  
KARKAT: AND YOU JUST KEPT THAT SHIT IN YOUR HIVE FOR A WHOLE WEEK FIRST!  
DAVE: yeah its way more hygienic to just toss it on the fuckin world below til the WORMS come  
KARKAT: YES DAVE IT ABSOLUTELY IS.  
DAVE: haha  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: yeah anyway worms aside waste management specialist is also just kind of an inherently funny job  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: cuz thats what tony soprano always said he did  
DAVE: despite the fact that he was actually always just whackin chumps and hangin out at the strip joint and stuffin his face fulla pasta  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: oh shit  
DAVE: did you guys not have the sopranos  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK SO.  
KARKAT: WHAT WAS IT?  
DAVE: oh damn it was this awesome show about this mob family  
DAVE: oh shit wait i guess thats it  
DAVE: you guys didnt have families  
DAVE: guess you still coulda had the mob  
DAVE: although hell who needs organized crime when everythings just kinda legal anyway  
KARKAT: OH THERE WAS STILL DEFINITELY ORGANIZED CRIME.  
DAVE: but no sopranos huh what a fuckin waste  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: does the whole family thing still weird you out  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: i mean like with rose and me  
DAVE: does it creep you out that we look so much alike  
KARKAT: DAVE, I CAN’T FUCKING CLOSE MY EYES WITHOUT RUNNING INTO WEIRD DOPPELGANGER VERSIONS OF EVERYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN.  
KARKAT: I AM LONG PAST BEING “WEIRDED OUT” BY THAT.  
DAVE: yeah but its different with rose and me  
DAVE: were not identical  
DAVE: were just like  
DAVE: similar  
DAVE: which i could totally get being way creepier  
DAVE: IS that creepy for you  
KARKAT: NO, IT WAS NEVER REALLY THE PHYSICAL SIMILARITIES THAT GOT TO ME.  
KARKAT: LIKE SURE, IF I KNOW TO LOOK FOR IT I CAN TELL YOU HAVE SOME OF THE SAME GENETIC TRAITS.  
KARKAT: BUT HONESTLY IF I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER I DON’T THINK I’D NOTICE.  
DAVE: oh holy shit karkat are you seriously sayin we all look the same to you dude that is so uncool  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO I’M NOT!  
KARKAT: THERE’S ONLY FUCKING TWO OF YOU, ANYWAY, SO THAT SENTENCE MEANS JACK SHIT.  
DAVE: haha  
KARKAT: NO, BUT IT’S REALLY MORE THE... PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS OF FAMILY.  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT WEIRDS ME OUT.  
KARKAT: THE IDEA THAT THERE’S THIS OTHER PERSON YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CONNECTED TO NO MATTER WHAT.  
DAVE: you dont feel that way about me  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP NO I DON’T, BECAUSE I FUCKING *CHOOSE* TO BE CONNECTED TO YOUR BRAINDEAD ASS!  
KARKAT: THOUGH GOD HELP ME SOMETIMES I HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING WHY.  
DAVE: you love my braindead ass karkat  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: YEAH I GUESS I DO.  
DAVE: :D  
KARKAT: HAHA  
KARKAT: BUT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?  
KARKAT: TROLLS UNDERSTAND FULL WELL WHAT IT’S LIKE TO CHOOSE TO BE COMMITTED TO SOMEONE.  
KARKAT: WE’RE ALL ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: THAT’S OUR “JAM” AS YOU’D PROBABLY FUCKING CALL IT.  
DAVE: i didnt say shit man that jam was all you  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, I GUESS IT WAS.  
DAVE: :D  
KARKAT: *ANYWAY*  
KARKAT: IT’S THAT OBLIGATORY COMMITMENT THAT’S SO FOREIGN TO ME.  
KARKAT: AND HONESTLY... THE WHOLE IDEA JUST SOUNDS INCREDIBLY OVERWHELMING AND...  
KARKAT: SMOTHERING.  
DAVE: hm  
DAVE: yeah i guess i could see that  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: oh shit wait  
DAVE: love you too by the way  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: cant forget that dont want you gettin all whiney  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, I DON’T GET WHINEY!  
DAVE: sure  
KARKAT: I FUCKING DON’T!!  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: what was i sayin  
KARKAT: ...YOU SAID “BUT.”  
DAVE: oh thats right  
KARKAT: HAHAHA  
DAVE: before i got derailed by your insatiable romantic neediness karkat  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD-  
DAVE: i was gonna ask you how your lusus falls into all this  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: he was kinda your dad wasnt he  
DAVE: i know you dont have “dad” as a concept like god forbid we actually use an analogous human family word here  
DAVE: but yknow  
DAVE: he raised you  
DAVE: and you didnt choose him  
DAVE: werent you basically committed to him  
KARKAT: HM.  
KARKAT: WELL I DIDN’T CHOOSE HIM, BUT HE DID CHOOSE ME.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW... I GUESS I JUST KIND OF TRUSTED THAT HE CHOSE ME FOR A GOOD REASON.  
KARKAT: I NEVER DWELLED ON IT TOO MUCH.  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: that sounds kinda like family  
KARKAT: HM. MAYBE.  
KARKAT: I THINK IT’S STILL PRETTY DIFFERENT THOUGH. IT WASN’T LIKE HUMANS JUST FUCKING RAISING OTHER HUMANS.  
DAVE: yeah disgusting right  
KARKAT: FUCKING YES, THAT’S RIGHT!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: LIKE... HE WASN’T A TROLL.  
KARKAT: HE WAS LITERALLY A MONSTER.  
DAVE: hahaha oh my god  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: tell me about him  
KARKAT: OK. UM.  
KARKAT: HE WAS PRETTY BIG FOR A LUSUS. NOT THE BIGGEST BY A LONG SHOT, BUT IT’S STILL A LITTLE SURPRISING CONSIDERING HOW PATHETIC I AM.  
DAVE: oh what shut the fuck up karkat youre not pathetic   
KARKAT: EHH  
DAVE: no fuck that shut up  
DAVE: but keep talking  
DAVE: just not about that  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: how big we talkin here  
KARKAT: UM, MAYBE FIFTEEN FEET.  
DAVE: tall??  
KARKAT: YEAH. BUT HE CROUCHED A LOT, SO HE PROBABLY COULD’VE BEEN WAY TALLER.  
DAVE: holy shit dude  
DAVE: really?  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: oh my god this is blowing my mind  
DAVE: theres a big hole on the side of my mind and every mental picture i ever had of you as a kid is just tumbling out like a bunch of popcorn when it comes out the top of the popcorn popping thing  
DAVE: like usually i got way better imagery than this you know that karkat but my brain is workin overtime here plus its got that big hole in it so thats the best youre gonna fuckin get  
DAVE: seriously this is just completely fucking my worldview  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DAVE?  
DAVE: i thought you were raised by a crab  
KARKAT: YEAH, I WAS!  
DAVE: no i mean like  
DAVE: like a crab crab  
DAVE: like a tiny little guy like in the red lobster commercials  
DAVE: like this big  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
KARKAT: I WASN’T RAISED BY AN *ACTUAL* CRAB, DAVE!  
DAVE: well how the fuck was i supposed to know that  
KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING STUPID!  
KARKAT: HE WAS A LUSUS!  
KARKAT: A GIANT ALL-WHITE CRAB MONSTER NATIVE TO THE BROODING CAVERNS FAR BENEATH ALTERNIA’S SURFACE!  
DAVE: hahaha  
DAVE: oh my god dude you know that sounds way more insane right  
KARKAT: MY “DAD” DIDN’T COME FROM A FUCKING RED LOBSTER!  
DAVE: hahahaha  
DAVE: shit im sorry  
KARKAT: HMMF.  
DAVE: aw shh karkat im not tryna offend you bro i promise  
KARKAT: WELL YOU’VE GOT A FUCKING TERRIBLE WAY OF SHOWING IT, DAVE.  
DAVE: oh no im sorry man  
DAVE: hey look on the bright side the truth is way sweeter  
DAVE: arent you glad i wasnt picturin you all this time with a big cool ass monster the size of a house and you had to break it to me that your dad was actually fuckin sebastian from the little mermaid with rubber bands on his claws  
KARKAT: ...I GUESS.  
DAVE: aw thats the spirit  
DAVE: tell me some more about him  
KARKAT: MM.  
DAVE: cmon karkat seriously i wanna hear about him i wanna know what he was like  
KARKAT: I DONNO, THERE’S NOT A WHOLE LOT TO TELL.  
KARKAT: HE WAS NICE. HE PROTECTED ME.  
DAVE: mm  
KARKAT: HE COULDN’T TALK.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST NOT UNTIL THE GAME.  
KARKAT: THAT WAS... THAT WAS REALLY COOL, ACTUALLY.  
KARKAT: MAYBE THEN WE GOT KIND OF CLOSE TO YOUR FUCKED UP IDEA OF FAMILY.  
KARKAT: WHEN WE COULD FINALLY REALLY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I MISS HIM.  
DAVE: aw oh no karkat  
DAVE: im sorry man  
DAVE: i didnt mean to-  
KARKAT: NO, NO IT’S OK.  
KARKAT: I HONESTLY HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT HIM IN A WHILE. IT’S NICE TO...  
KARKAT: TO BRING HIM UP AGAIN.  
DAVE: i wish i coulda met him  
KARKAT: HEH. YEAH. THAT WOULD’VE BEEN INTERESTING.  
DAVE: he coulda chased me out your bedroom window  
DAVE: pants around my ankles  
DAVE: claws clackin as he shakes his big crabby fist  
DAVE: all shoutin no son of mine is gonna date an alien  
KARKAT: HE COULDN’T FUCKING TALK, DAVE.  
DAVE: naw this is in the game when he could  
KARKAT: WELL OK THEN.  
KARKAT: CARRY THE FUCK ON!  
DAVE: you know im gonna  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: yeah anyway hed chase me off all protective of your purity and shit  
KARKAT: PFF  
DAVE: but then id just come back the next day all in my finest freshly alchemized duds  
DAVE: bottle of scotch in hand  
DAVE: and id charm his ass off  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah definitely charm it right off  
DAVE: crab ass all over the floor  
KARKAT: EUGH.  
DAVE: yeah its straight up nasty  
DAVE: anyway after we got his butt all reattached  
DAVE: wed stay up late into the night talkin  
DAVE: man to crab  
DAVE: drinking  
DAVE: swapping stories  
DAVE: waxin about all our shared interests  
DAVE: like seaweed  
DAVE: and uh  
DAVE: our deep seated fear of melted butter  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: hed show me embarrassing wiggler photos of you  
KARKAT: OH NO.  
DAVE: oh yes  
DAVE: itd be a fine time and by the end of it wed share a great mutual respect  
KARKAT: OH YEAH?  
DAVE: hell yeah he cant think of a better young man to be wooin his son  
DAVE: im invited to the next perigees eve  
DAVE: guest of honor  
KARKAT: HAHA JEGUS.  
DAVE: thats exactly how it woulda gone down karkat  
DAVE: there is not a doubt in my mind  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT.  
DAVE: i know i am  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: I GUESS I KIND OF AM ACTUALLY GOING TO GET TO MEET YOUR GUARDIAN.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: YOUR BRO, I MEAN.  
DAVE: yeppppppp  
DAVE: i guess you are  
KARKAT: SORRY. WE DON’T HAVE TO-  
DAVE: no hell its fine were already talkin about it why the fuck not  
KARKAT: I SHOULDN’T HAVE BROUGHT IT-  
DAVE: i said its fine karkat  
DAVE: i mean it is definitely gonna be a thing that happens maybe its better if i get used to the idea now  
DAVE: carpet bomb a couple nice conversations yknow ease into it nice and slow  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
DAVE: no hush its not your fault i was already thinkin about it  
DAVE: it was the obvious direction for this conversation to go anyway  
DAVE: i mean cmon it was either this or really artificially goin back to our silly job naming game  
KARKAT: WE CAN ACTUALLY DO THAT IF YOU WANT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S ARTIFICIAL.  
KARKAT: WE CAN LITERALLY JUST SAY “THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT NOW” AND DO IT.  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD DO THAT.  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: im serious its ok karkat  
DAVE: im not gonna break just from talkin about him  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: ...OK.  
DAVE: and anyway its not like im gonna be meeting actual him  
DAVE: its gonna be some kid bizarro version of him  
DAVE: maybe that wont be so bad  
DAVE: maybe it wont be anything  
DAVE: shit maybe itll be fine maybe he wont even remind me of my bro at all  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: yeah ok youre right thats prolly not gonna happen  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING.  
DAVE: heh yeah i know  
DAVE: thanks man  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT?  
DAVE: ha  
KARKAT: FUCK. THAT CAME OUT WRONG.  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT A TON OF THINGS.  
KARKAT: SOME THINGS YOU CAN’T EVEN EXPRESS.  
DAVE: fuuck  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: I GUESS WHAT I MEAN IS  
KARKAT: CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS?  
KARKAT: EVEN JUST A SMALL THING.  
KARKAT: IN DETAIL.  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’LL HELP TO TALK ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: MAKE IT A LITTLE LESS LIKE SOME NAMELESS DREAD, YOU KNOW?  
KARKAT: MORE LIKE SOMETHING YOU CAN SAY OUT LOUD.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: OR NOT!  
KARKAT: SORRY, THIS WAS STUPID!  
DAVE: no shut up karkat its not stupid  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im worried about him meeting you  
KARKAT: ...YOU ARE?  
DAVE: yeppp  
DAVE: and thats not your fault ok that has nothing to fuckin do with you youre great youre amazing  
DAVE: he should be so fuckin pumped to get to meet you dude oh my god  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: that silly scene i laid out about your lusus chasin me out of your room  
DAVE: i could uh  
DAVE: i could see somethin like that actually transpiring  
DAVE: not the whole fucking kooky out the window scenario obviously  
DAVE: just the uh  
DAVE: sentiment  
KARKAT: ...BECAUSE I’M AN ALIEN?  
DAVE: nooooope  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
DAVE: i mean im not gonna let it bother me obviously  
DAVE: because seriously fuck that guy and fuck that whole line of thought  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: i dont want him to say anything bad to you  
DAVE: i mean he can say whatever the fuck he wants to me but hes NOT fuckin going anywhere NEAR you i am gonna fuckin SEE to that  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: but hey like i said  
DAVE: hes gonna be a totally different person maybe  
DAVE: so who the fuck knows  
DAVE: maybe itll be fine  
DAVE: maybe it wont even come up  
DAVE: shit maybe by some weird twist of fate hes fuckin gayer than me!  
KARKAT: ...MAYBE.  
DAVE: haha i doubt it  
DAVE: but jesus fuck wouldnt that be somethin  
DAVE: shit maybe thats where rose and i got it from  
KARKAT: WAIT, IS THAT HOW THAT WORKS??  
DAVE: haha no i dont think thats how that works  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: boy that would be such a wild and not totally out of line explanation for certain elements of my upbringing  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: shit i donno  
DAVE: thats not actually whats gonna fuckin happen so  
DAVE: i guess maybe i should just try to focus on not comin out all guns blazing  
DAVE: or you know  
DAVE: swords blazing or whatever the hell  
DAVE: just in case he is actually fine with you  
DAVE: that would be just my shit ass luck that i accidentally poison a nice introduction cuz im just so fuckin primed for it all to go to hell  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROTECT ME, DAVE.  
DAVE: uh thats a hundred percent wrong karkat yes i do  
KARKAT: THAT’S SWEET, DAVE, BUT I’M SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: I CAN FUCKING HANDLE MYSELF.  
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY, AND I’M NOT GONNA UNDERSTAND ANY INSULTS HE THROWS AT ME ANYWAY.  
DAVE: uh actually you might cuz i think you heard a few of em from me back in the day  
KARKAT: OK, SURE, AND SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?  
KARKAT: I SURVIVED. I’M FINE!  
KARKAT: IN FACT I’M MORE THAN FINE. I’M YOUR FUCKING MATESPRIT.  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: you better not try to fucking date my bro  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK I WILL.  
DAVE: i donno hes prolly gonna look exactly like me  
KARKAT: I SEE GHOSTS WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU ALL THE FUCKING TIME, DAVE, AND SOMEHOW I MANAGE TO RESTRAIN MYSELF.  
DAVE: oh do you  
KARKAT: YES, I FUCKING DO!  
DAVE: dont see how im hot fuckin stuff  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: DOES THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT MEAN YOU’RE FEELING A LITTLE BETTER?  
DAVE: haha yeah i guess it does  
DAVE: i donno im still for sure not lookin forward to it  
DAVE: but youre right talking through its definitely helping some  
KARKAT: GOOD.  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD DO THIS SOMETIMES, THEN.  
KARKAT: TALK ABOUT LITTLE THINGS YOU’RE NERVOUS ABOUT.  
DAVE: dude i donno if this qualifies as little  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
DAVE: yeah i do  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: do you think we could lay off problems for a while tho  
DAVE: just shoot the shit have a good time talk about nonsense  
KARKAT: YEAH, OF COURSE!  
KARKAT: UM...  
KARKAT: DO YOU...  
KARKAT: KNOW WHAT THE REST OF THE HUMAN ANCESTORS ARE LIKE AT ALL?  
KARKAT: OR SHIT, IS THAT TOO CLOSE TO HOME?  
DAVE: naw man thats fine  
DAVE: lets see  
DAVE: roses mom i think was pretty fuckin cool honestly  
DAVE: like rose complains a lot and im sure she wasnt perfect  
DAVE: like the woman appreciated a drink  
DAVE: and also the odd wizard  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: man who the fuck knows  
DAVE: but the thing is i think she was also like  
DAVE: really fucking brilliant  
DAVE: she built this awesome fuckin anime villain lab  
DAVE: was way into sci fi cloning and transportalizing and shit  
DAVE: i donno im pretty fuckin psyched to meet that person  
DAVE: especially if theyre like  
DAVE: my mom  
DAVE: hey thats right you get to meet my mom too kinda  
DAVE: thatll be nice  
DAVE: yeah huh that sounds really cool actually im lookin forward to that  
DAVE: not that i fuckin know this girl at all or anything but  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: itll still be nice to introduce you to her  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THAT DOES SOUND NICE.  
DAVE: :)  
KARKAT: (:B  
DAVE: lets see as far as the others i dont know as much  
DAVE: john and jades grandma and grandpa died before i knew them  
DAVE: although jades grandpa was a semi famous billionaire  
DAVE: and from what i gather from online sources he was a total weirdo and also possibly a total horndog  
DAVE: like were talkin a family in every port if you know what i mean  
KARKAT: UH.  
DAVE: sorry thats a WHOLE lotta family for somebody who doesnt get it huh  
DAVE: shit i donno maybe it was just tabloids and anyway this dudes just gonna be a kid  
DAVE: like thatd be wild as hell if that was true for him  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: oh yeah john turned his grandma into a sprite so he actually got to hang with her in the game which is pretty cool i guess  
DAVE: according to him she was really sweet and funny and nice  
DAVE: so i guess she took to it better than jade and me  
DAVE: but we both know johns not the most perceptive tool in the shed  
DAVE: knowing him that means like she laughed once  
DAVE: and shes actually like a horribly tortured soul that yearns for the sweet release of oblivion  
DAVE: pretty much total toss up there  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: whats up dude  
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY SAW QUITE A BIT OF HER.  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH. UH...  
DAVE: oh shit on the trollian viewer thats right  
DAVE: cuz you were all watchin john like a hawk with a cute lil birdy hate crush  
KARKAT: UGGH...  
DAVE: hey karkat its cool  
DAVE: you dont have to be cagey about that or anything ok  
KARKAT: EHH...  
DAVE: im serious bro  
DAVE: you can talk to me about that stuff  
KARKAT: YOU SURE?  
DAVE: yeah dude  
DAVE: i mean you know about my shit too and tbh mines hells more embarrassing  
KARKAT: THAT IS SO NOT TRUE DAVE.  
DAVE: uh yeah it definitely is  
DAVE: you had a few hours of smitten cross cultural confusion  
DAVE: who among us has not am i right  
KARKAT: HMM.  
DAVE: whereas i hitched my wagon firmly to the unrequited best bro burgeoning sexual awakening train  
DAVE: which i was likely fuckin destined to ride for the next roughly five to infinity years by the way  
DAVE: saved only by the fact that it turns out i was actually LITERALLY destined to leave it all behind and meet your dumb ass  
KARKAT: WOW, DAVE.  
KARKAT: AND YOU SAY YOU’RE NOT A ROMANTIC.  
DAVE: what i never say that  
DAVE: YOU say that  
KARKAT: HA.  
DAVE: look all im sayin is  
DAVE: maybe we can both agree that john egbert is one spectacularly goofy kid and move on  
KARKAT: OH ABSOLUTELY.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: so anyway yeah  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: what WAS his grandma like  
KARKAT: OH RIGHT.  
KARKAT: UM...  
KARKAT: SHE ACTUALLY DID LAUGH A WHOLE FUCK OF A LOT.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: but like  
DAVE: how much is a lot  
DAVE: cuz you know you laugh a certain amount then sure youre prolly actually just havin a good time  
DAVE: youre the fuckin ghosty life of the party  
DAVE: but theres an invisible unknowable line in there somewhere  
DAVE: no one knows exactly where it is  
DAVE: but we can all agree that you step one laugh over it and boom outta nowhere youre laughin TOO much  
DAVE: you have strayed straight into tormented soul territory  
KARKAT: HMM.  
KARKAT: SHE DIDN’T SEEM THAT TORMENTED TO ME.  
DAVE: ok sweet  
KARKAT: I THINK IT WAS A NORMAL AMOUNT OF TOO MUCH LAUGHING.  
KARKAT: SHE *WAS* ALSO PART JESTER.  
DAVE: oh shit thats right  
DAVE: well fuck  
DAVE: maybe all bets are off then huh  
KARKAT: MAYBE.  
DAVE: shit maybe this is pointless anyway  
DAVE: i mean these are gonna be totally different people right  
DAVE: growin up under bizarrely different circumstances  
DAVE: theyre literally gonna be alternate universe versions of the people we used to know  
DAVE: like sure theyre the same genetically  
DAVE: but whats that really worth  
DAVE: i mean take a look at you and your ancestor  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DO I HAVE TO?  
DAVE: haha yeah thats kinda my point  
DAVE: like you and kankri are genetically identical right  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: SUPPOSEDLY.  
DAVE: hey no supposin about it  
DAVE: youre solely responsible for that shit if anybody knows it oughta be you  
KARKAT: UGGGH!  
DAVE: yeah well all im sayin is  
DAVE: i donno what exactly counts as nature or nurture or whatever the hell else  
DAVE: all i know is im not here snugglin with that guy  
KARKAT: OH JESUS FUCK!  
KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY PUT THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD??  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: sorry man  
KARKAT: BLEH!  
DAVE: you get what i mean tho  
DAVE: maybe theyll be totally different too  
DAVE: who the fuck knows  
KARKAT: MAYBE THAT MEANS YOUR BRO *WILL* BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  
DAVE: mm  
DAVE: maybe  
KARKAT: I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.  
DAVE: yeah guess so  
DAVE: theres no way were gonna know til we get there  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: OH HOLY *FUCK!*  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I JUST REMEMBERED!  
DAVE: ??  
KARKAT: THE FUCKING MANGLERS!  
KARKAT: THEY BEAT PEOPLE *WITH* FISH!  
DAVE: bahahaha  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THAT IS *SUCH* A LOAD OFF MY MIND!  
DAVE: oh yeah mine too karkat im so fucking glad that existed my life is finally complete  
KARKAT: YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME.  



End file.
